


Anything But Myself

by DrPaine



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: F/F, Uhhh... gets kinda sad in here, but i'm a major pearlmethyst shipper so anything shippiness is intentional, pearlmethyst - Freeform, shippiness isn't major you can read this as friend only if you want
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-18
Updated: 2015-07-18
Packaged: 2018-04-09 21:50:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4365461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DrPaine/pseuds/DrPaine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Amethyst knows how much it hurts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Anything But Myself

**Author's Note:**

> This was written right after Cry For Help, before we saw Keystone Motel. However, it seems to stand fairly well as a 'what happened while they were out' thing so ^^ Features some minor changes from my original version on tumblr.

> _The silence is a tangible weight, bearing down a little more every day._

 

Steven’s noticed– he’s spent the last few days out of the house as much as possible, even preferring to spend more nights than normal over with his dad. She can’t blame him. She’s thought about it too, just… leaving for a little while, wouldn’t be the first time. It’s _their_ problem, she thinks.

Except in a way, she’s to blame too. She’d wanted to call out Pearl straight away at the tower, and she can’t stop thinking that maybe if for once she’d been her reckless, impulsive self she’d have managed to _avert_ disaster; but _no_. She just had to go and pull back, didn’t she?

Amethyst sighs, rolling over onto her stomach and looking at the TV– or towards it anyway, she isn’t entirely sure she’s really _seen_ much for a while now. It’s all the same blur, punctuated sometimes by the warp pad or door– Garnet and Pearl just filling time with whatever they can.

She’s considered doing the same, but she hasn’t even had the energy to leave the loft. Hasn’t slept either– sometimes she’s managed to doze off, but then one of them comes back.

Or sometimes it’s a sound so soft it’s barely audible at all, but it’s there and it cuts straight through Amethyst until it makes her cry too.

—-

Steven's gone.

Garnet's gone too, apparently jumped at the chance to get out of the house. 

Amethyst is watching Crying Breakfast Friends. Again. And finally thinks she’s found _why_ he loves it so much, it’s hard not to like something where everything does turn out okay in the end. It’s also a little hard to not get blindingly angry too, that things always turn out okay in the end; but she’s not gonna break _another_ TV.

And under the sound of the cartoon, Amethyst hears Pearl.

Crying.

Again.

First instinct is to turn the volume up, listen to the melodramatic fake sobs instead of those quiet, sniffling ‘trying so hard to make sure no one else hears but you can only do so much’ ones. But Amethyst knows how it feels to be crying your heart out and everyone looking the other way, and the thought of being like _that_ kinda makes her feel sick inside. So she shuts off the TV and gets up for the first time in days, heading outside.

She finds Pearl under the deck, knees up, head buried in her arms and shoulders trembling. She goes to sit beside the other gem, counting to herself how long it takes before Pearl notices.

She gets to one hundred before giving in and touching Pearl’s shoulder.

Pearl only moves her head enough to look at Amethyst through one bleary eye, and Amethyst can see just how /exhausted/ Pearl’s become. Her hair’s a mess, her bow undone leaving just a trailing ribbon, her shoes smudged and dirty.

“H… hey, P,” Amethyst says quietly. Silence hangs between them for a few moments, strangling and awful, and Amethyst decides maybe it’s time to be 'reckless’– even if she just succeeds in upsetting Pearl more, it means she’ll be focused on something other than her own failures, right?

“Look. I-I know… how you’re feelin’,” Amethyst says, scratching the back of her head and keeping her eyes on the ground in front of her. “O-or at least I know… almost. Bein’ with Garnet… you forget all the bad things you think about yourself. That you’re a mistake–”

“Defective,” Pearl says quietly.

Amethyst looks up, her face hot, she did _not_ mean to bring that up–

Pearl sighs, one arm falling to the ground, her fingers curling in the thin grass.

“I thought…” she says, her voice as hollow as her stare. “I thought I was done with this. I-I’ve gone… so… _long_ t-thinking I was… something.”

Amethyst moves a little closer. “I… if it’s about what Jasper said, she’s _wrong,_ okay P? You’re _great_ , you–”

“She was right,” Pearl says in that horrible clipped voice, so resigned. She hangs her head, tears dripping down her nose into the sandy dirt. “I’ve tried all my life to be something I’m not. T… to… fight and try and be equal to those clearly superior and all it’s done is hurt them and myself.”

“That’s not true!” Amethyst says, louder than perhaps necessary. “You… if you weren’t meant for this you wouldn’t be here right now, right? Rose thought you were worth something–”

_“I was so **selfish** , I even tried to use her–”_

“–Steven thinks you’re worth something–”

_“I let him fall I almost turned his best friend into something like me–”_

“–Garnet–”

_“Hates me hates me how could I have **done** that to her?”_

"I think you’re worth something!”

Amethyst’s voice cracks then and she grabs Pearl’s shoulders, making sure the other Gem is looking her in the eye (and they match, wide-eyed and terrified tear-streaked faces) as she speaks.

“Pearl. Y… I’ve always… thought you were amazing, okay?” Amethyst says. “You’re smart and… and graceful and you only screw up a little bit of the time and… everyone loves you, everyone listens to you and _respects_ you and I… I _hated_ it, but it’s true, okay?!”

She can feel Pearl trembling, and her own hands shake.

“Remember when I… I kept getting poofed 'while back?” Amethyst asks. “I came back as _you_ once, okay? I…” She stammers, drawing back and wiping her eyes, trying to find where she was even going with this, she’d had a point but now it’s gone and Pearl’s just sitting there looking lost and hurt and about to cry again.

“I just… I know what it’s like,” Amethyst finally says. “Wanting t… to be… _anything_ but yourself. No matter what you have to do, e… even if it’s awful, even if it’s hurting other people, it still hurts less than _not_ so you go and do it anyway. And… Garnet’s… got every right bein’ angry with you and it’s probably gonna be a while before things get fixed, but… I-I just.. want t'let you know… _I’m_ here for ya. Okay?”

Pearl nods, still teary-eyed and silent, but she doesn’t look quite so far away now. And that’s enough to get Amethyst to smile, just the tiniest bit for her. Amethyst offers her hand and Pearl takes it, shaking but still managing to get to her feet.

_"Alright P, come on. How 'bout we get inside and... maybe get some tea made or somethin', that helps, right?"_


End file.
